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thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

(no subject)

March 22nd, 2007 (03:49 pm)
sad

current mood: sad

Tonight I am putting my doubts aside.
I need to get over them.
The anticipation of seeing him later tonight is eating away at me, and to tell the truth, I'm pretty excited about being excited to see him. I was afraid that the feelings I had felt for him had somehow dissappeared...but honestly I've been feeling lost about EVERYTHING lately, so I don't know what about it makes me feel like its just because of this entire Matt situation.
I know where the doubts are comming from too.
They come from the pain.
...the pain that has grown more and more with each boyfriend that has siezed my heart from my chest and recklessly torn it to pieces and stomped on it over and over, making sure it was completely torn apart...making it nearly impossible for me to trust again...to love again. Sometimes I wonder if it is a plot that all guys are in on... to tear every girl's heart to pieces, leaving them crying, wishing they could die, on their bedroom floor. ...but then again I do get a bit paranoid at times.
I can't help but think of all of those guys who have torn my heart apart. Who have caused me to break down and cry...and not be able to stop. The ones who couldn't consider my feelings.
I can't not think about Kody... and the way he could always make me laugh. The way when he told me it was over I cried so hard that thought I would never stop.... and honestly I sort of haven't. Every time I see his picture...or even consider the fact that I might love someone I think of him. I see his face... I feel his touch...I hear his voice. It still hurts, and I wonder how I can be in a relationship with these feelings. It doesn't seem fair to Matt, but I really care about him. I don't want to lose him...therefore he doesn't know about exactly how I feel. But its been since August...or maybe September. I can't remember...so much has been so majorly fucked lately. so why can't I stop caring??




I want it to stop!!

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

Minor Difficulties.

March 14th, 2007 (04:07 pm)
confused

current mood: confused
current song: Weird Al

I have never needed to write more...or to get more off of my chest. Lately I have been trying to find something...anything wrong with Matt...Just any reason not to love him. I think I'm just a little scared to commit myself to anyone now. I'm just so afraid of getting my heart broken again. I don't think I could handle it. To add to the fact that I'm trying to find flaws in Matt that make me not want to be with him, I sort of miss Kody. I know that I shouldn't miss him...its just...we've been through soo much and we still talk...and after a few months ago when we were in my car together so close...he gave me a lot of hope then [when I didn't think Matt was interested in me] that maybe there was some sort of chance for me and him. I really did love him when we were together and its just so hard to just let go of that. But I honestly do care about Matt and I have no clue where this Kody bullshit is comming from. I thought that was gone.
I'm so CONFUSED!
Why can't I just let myself love Matt??
Why do I have to have such a conflict with myself everytime I decide I love him??!
I always have to convince myself that I don't..
..that theres SOMETHING about him that I don't like.
Or that the relationship will never work....
...and that pretty soon it will just be over.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!
Its all just so stupid though.
I care so much about him!!
Why do I keep doing this!??!

Meanwhile my car is giving me troubles. It doesn't want to start lately. Its like it started getting warmer here and now the thing isn't happy. Me and my mom decided that its a cold weather car...and that it will only run good in the winter....but atleast it wouldn't be breaking down on me when its FREEEEEZING if that were the case. Haha.

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

(no subject)

February 28th, 2007 (04:14 pm)

Mom got mad at me beacause I'm poor and can't afford to fix the car right now. Didn't I say that would probably happen? Someone suggested it was only brake fluid, so I tried replacing that, but it didn't help. I came home and called my mom and told her and she went compltely postal about how she knew this car was a bad idea and blah blah blah! She hung up on me...and then she had the nerve to call me back. Why the hell would she call me back??! But then she was telling me that she would call my dad and have him get the stuff so that he could fix it this weekend. I would much rather go up to Craig's and have him do it... I'm sure there would be less anger there.

Matty called me after school. I was happy. He said that he's gonna take me to Craig's with him so that I can help them with the race cars so i can learn something about cars. Haha. I don't know how well thats going to go.

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

Adding Another Thing to the List.

February 28th, 2007 (10:33 am)
sad

current mood: sad

This morning when I picked my friends up to go to school we went to Uni-mart...as usual. They went in and got their breakfast, and came back out and got in the car. We stopped at the stop sign, and while we were waiting to pull out I felt my foot go straight to the floor! My brake line or something is going now, and I have no money to pay for it. I was thinking that maybe I should see if my mom could afford for me to go over to Warren to the garage that fixes her car, and get it fixed...but theres two issues. 1. that would cost a lot of money and she will get mad. and 2. Warren is a half an hour away, and driving it that far would be sort of dangerous...and getting it towed there woudl only cost more money. But if the brakes completely go while I'm driving it over there then I could always use the emergency brake. But I really need my car by Friday, or I have no way to get to my orthodontist appointment OR to work. But my mom might be staying home after we go to the orthodontist, so she could just pick me up and I could take her car to work... I don't know...but I love my car and I really just want to get it fixed ASAP! I'm going to miss it until I can get it fixed. Maybe if I PROMISE her that I will pay her back then she will call Mann's and find out when I can take it in. I should call her during homeroom...or before 3rd block or something.

Matt's ready to come home from Florida. He's bored...and we miss eachother.
I'm ready for him to come home too. I'm sick, and my car is broken...and I just want to cuddle up to him and just have him hold me.. :(



I still can't even believe that now I'm having problems with the brakes in my car. I LOVE MY CAR!!! It makes me really sad to think that I won't be able to drive it to school tomorrow. My friend was all concerned with the fact that I wont be able to pick her up tomorrow morning. Would she rather have my brakes COMPLETELY go and have me get in a wreck!?? I just don't understand people like that! GRAWR!

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

Falling

February 27th, 2007 (10:02 am)
happy

current mood: happy

Last night he told me that he is falling for me.
It made me smile. :)
He's amazing!
This might work after all.


..I wish I could see into the future...
.....I wish I knew if falling in love with him would result in a broken heart or not...even though he told me that he would never intentionally hurt me.
I've never been promised by anybody that they would try their hardest not to hurt me, and that they really cared for me.

I was so negative about things a few months ago.
I thought things were never going to work for me.
It's amazing how things turn out...
......isn't it?

I think I'm going to admit it now...
...ready??















I LOVE HIM!





it's scary.

I said I wouldn't love anyone ever again after Kody.
I loved him
he broke my heart.

... I said I wouldn't trust a guy enough to even consider the fact that I MIGHT love him...


...but there's just something different about Matty...
..He just seems to really care.
He hasn't said "I love you" just to say it.
He isn't going to say it until he means it.
I know that
and I wont tell him I love him for a while.
I'm just sure now.
It's amazing!!!!
I can't believe I've found a man like him.



Last night what he said almost EXACTLY was "your a really sweet, caring girl....who I'm falling for."
I smiled.
A lot.
I didn't stop smiling all night.

He's great.
He really is.


I miss his strong arms though.
It isn't fair that he's all the way in Florida!
But I'm dealing with it, and next week he will be home.
I can't wait.





:)

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

Letting out a Sigh of Relief

February 26th, 2007 (10:16 am)
happy

current mood: happy

I think my moment of slight "insanity" has passed. Things are feeling better and more normal again. I still have the problems that I had written about, but some of them are a little better.
I talked to Matty♥ about things...
Were a couple!
I couldn't be any happier.
I truly do think I might love him.
but once again there comes the fact that I am afraid to fall in love.
love hurts... I've learned that the hard way.
I want to let myself love him though..
..I think he might be worth loving.


I told him I'm afraid I may mess things up....because thats what I do best...
he told me that if I think I'm going to then I probably will...and we promised that if we have a problem that we will talk to eachother about it.
...I told him I doubted that I would have a problem..
but he told me that he likes me a lot and he wants this to work out!

Things are going pretty good with me and him though...and in a week I will get to see him! :)
When I texted him this morning he actually texted me back [he's been sleeping in because he's on vacation]. I asked him if I woke him up, but he said he had been laying awake thinking about me! ♥!! :)



Work went pretty good on Friday night. The job isn't too bad. All I did was wash dishes because things got busy and nobody really got a chance to show me around, but this Friday I'm supposed to go in early, and she's going to try to show me around. I'm going to be washing dishes, bussing tables, and doing a little bit of waitressing when they aren't too busy. I'm pumped.


I'm supposed to be working on some carrer stuff for Senior Soc, but I can't concentrate at all. I miss Matty!



Last night it was snowing pretty bad, and I figured that the school would be considerate enough to have a 2 hour delay because of how bad the roads were...especially out towards my house. But despite my hopes I had to wake up at 6:45, get dressed, and go outside and clean my car off. It was completely covered in snow, with a nice thick layer of ice under that. After cleaning off my car I returned to my house to put on my makeup and get some breakfast ready to take with me...but the lenght of time that it took to clean off my car kind of put me off track, and I was running late. I finally made it to my car 10 minutes later than I needed to be leaving, and I set off. Keep in mind that a trip into town usually takes me 10 minutes! ..Well I finally got going and all the windows on the passenger side of my car decided to fog up, so I couldn't see down the main road to see if anything was comming. I had to roll down my window, and a bunch of left over ice fell inside my car. After finally getting on the main road I was faced with another obstacle. Every time I tried to speed up my tires would just spin [that's how bad the roads were]. I finally got up the hill that goes towards Kane, and a snowplow is heading right towards me halfway on my side of the road...forcing me to move over into the slush, which made me slide around quite a bit and almost wreck. I finally got back into the tire tracks on the road, and got going again when a semi came towards me, leaving a huge gust of wind to blow me off track again. I almost wrecked a total of 6 times on the way to school today [once almost into a huge snowbank surrounding a guard rail]. I was terrified. The fastest I got up to was 40...and that wasn't very safe at all. I was probably going an average of 35 mph all the way to school today and it took me about 20 or 25 minutes to get to school. Thats almost double what it usually does. It just proves that Kane schools don't really give 2 shits about their students. They are just too concerned with keeping up their good reputation [they never even ever really have 2 hour delays...let alone cancel!!] They say that they have someone drive around to all the bus stops and make sure it is safe for everyone to get to school, but I know for a fact they don't come out as far as my house...and that is absolute bullshit!! I have never been so happy to get to where I was going!!!!
Ok...I'm done ranting now..



:)

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

From The Thoughts of an Disgruntled Teenager

February 23rd, 2007 (12:59 pm)
scared

current mood: scared

Last night me and my mom were discussing Matty♥ and things. She just out and said "Well people shouldn't know about it for a long time!...like...atleast two years." I about flipped. It made me so mad. Her reasoning was because my grandma will flip out on her. For one it shouldn't be her that my grandmother is flipping out on anyways. She can't make my decisions for me. She can't stop me from being with the man of my dreams!! And who is my grandmother to have any say in it anyways?? I just hate my family. They all feel like they can just control my life!! They feel like for the rest of my life they can be controlling everything I do. They have no say in any part of my life...especially after April. There is a reason that my mom is my mom and my grandma is my grandma...My mom makes the rules, not my grandma! God... I can't even understand why my mom is so concerned with what my grandma has to say!!! If I were her I would have told her to kiss my fucking ass years ago!...And if she didn't like it then I would tell her that she didn't have to be part of my life....and that if she continues to be a controlling little bitch that I would cut her out of my life. My family is just controlling and loves to gossip...and everyone wonders why I hate spending time with my family!!! I have been dealing with the same shit for 17 years now...and I have about had it. I can't wait to go away to college, finish college, and move far far away. I used to want to move to California, but I'm not so sure now, since my aunt lives there and all. But my mom did say something about if I end up in Florida that she would be able to come see me and stuff....maybe I should choose a different state to live in. But I suppose my attitude will change with age.....or atleast I hope it does. We seem to have a very extreme relationship. Either we can get along with eachother and have a lot of fun and things, or we can't stand eachother and we are at eachother's throats....it is like there is no happy medium. I kind of wish there were.

It's only four days into Matty♥ being in Florida.
I really don't know how much longer I can stand him being gone.
It's as if I need to see him!!!
I'm just....
I'm just going crazy!
And its not even mostly from him being away...

...
It's just everything!!!!:
My mom
Matty♥ being gone
My dad and his alcoholism
My grandma and her overbearing, controlling ways
The way I can't have an opinion around here
How I get yelled at for everything
...but yet I'm expected to do EVERYTHING
My imperfectness
Graduation
My senior trip
My senior year is just going too fast
The people in my school that I can't stand
Not being able to be with Matty♥
The teachers who are too fucking stupid and too full of themselves to give a fuck
The ignorance that I am surrounded by
The emptyness that I feel that shouldn't even be there
Being frustrated because nobody really understands
The direction my life has took.
Not knowing how my life will turn out
Being afraid of the future


Ughh!!
I don't even know anymore.
I just get this way
and I shouldn't

FUCK
am I even sane?

It seems like when Matty♥ isn't around to keep my mind off of things I just go completely crazy. I don't know. He just is so good for me right now!!

Arghh.

I really think I love him though.
And what if I do.
What happens if my heart gets.........




...broken...


..again.
?
:(


I don't know how many more times I can deal with a broken heart!


IM SCARED!

..he means so much to me though!

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

(no subject)

February 22nd, 2007 (10:23 am)
excited

current mood: excited

3 days into his being gone, and I am practically going insane. Last night he text messaged me and asked me what I want from Florida. I have really never had anyone ask me what I want them to bring me back. I told him I didn't know, but later I told him I want a flamingo! He said "haha..k" and now I'm scared to see if he really does bring me something in the form of a flamingo back or not. Haha.
I have decided that I want a baby panda bear...but one that stays a baby forever. They are just so adorable!
Yesterday I had forgotten about a one page essay about the things I learned in Senior Soc. while learning about our town's history so I hurried up and jotted a bunch of things down on a paper and handed it to him. He called me up to his desk later during class and told me that I have talent, and that I will be a great writer. I was utterly amazed! An essay that I half-assed my way through during 10 minutes of free time in first block got me a 25 out of 25 and a compliment that I will be a great writer [since I am going to be majoring in journalism in college]. I couldn't believe it. He had written things like "perfect", "yes!" and "exactly" on my paper where I had attempted [and obviously succeeded] to make a point.

Exciting news!!!
Last night at about 7:00 or so my phone rang. It was a woman from a bar/restaurant uptown calling me about a job. I had put an application in, but never really thought much about it. I didn't really think they would be hiring anyone...especially me. I about died when she told me that she had a position open on Friday nights and asked me if i would like it. It was hard to hold back my excitement as I practically screamed "YES!" I start tomorrow. I couldn't be more excited. I couldn't stand the last job I had in this town, and I think that this one might actually be better. I will be bussing tables since they serve alcohol [you have to be 18 to wait tables at places that serve alcohol :( ] since I don't turn 18 for another 8 weeks [2 MONTHS!!]. I think she may be planning on changing me to waitressing after I turn 18 because she said all she really has available for me right now is bussing tables on Friday night since she can't give me a waitressing position yet.

Only 8 weeks until I can be with Matty♥!!

...Mom's starting again with trying to control my life.
She thinks she is going to be able to stop me from dating Matty♥ once I turn 18.
...She is saying that I need to wait until I'm out of highschool to date him.
I think she's full of shit!
I'm NOT waiting!
NO WAY!
I've waited long enough!!!

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

(no subject)

February 21st, 2007 (01:54 pm)
sad

current location: School [English]
current mood: sad

Yesterday at three o'clock Matty♥ got on an airplane and left for Florida, and at the moment I am hating the place with a passion! He is going to be down there for two and a half weeks! It seems almost absolutly unbearable! I cried on Monday night. It hit me that I wasn't going to get to see him for TWO AND A HALF WEEKS and I couldn't hold back the tears. I've just grown so attatched to him in the last month. I never even wanted to fall for him like this, but I've fallen...fast!
The other day my dad actually drank a pepsi instead of a beer. It was all I could to to hide my utter amazement [and the thrill in my eyes], but it was all short lived. He went right back to drinking his beer again. Sometimes i think thats the most important thing to him.
Mom and me have been sort of getting closer. Possibly bonding through the agonizing nightly drunkenness of my father.
Thirteen days until Matty♥ comes home. I hope I can deal with that. *lol* He tells me time will fly by. I, on the other hand, doubt it.
Seeing as I'm in school I should probably be going. If I get time I will write more later.

thatashleygirl7 [userpic]

Wasting Away

February 15th, 2007 (04:42 pm)
excited

current location: Grandma's
current mood: excited

So here I sit, in front of the computer screen wasting my time writing another pointless entry that probably nobody will read, while I have other things that need to be done. I can't seem to break the hold the computer has got on me. It seems to be some sort of addiction...but is there really any name for a person who is addicted to the computer? The reason for not leaving MAY have something to do with the sudden research I've been doing on my risk of becomming an alcoholic. You see, alcoholism can run in families...it can have something to do with genetics, and my father is an alcoholic. Lately I have been wondering if I will turn out like him, hated by my family, sitting on a bar stool, and eventually stumbling out of the bar and into my house where I will be ignored by my family and their ever growing hatred towards me. I can't understand how he has a seemingly good life, yet he goes out and gets completely hammered every night.
Moving on...Yesterday school was canceled. I think we got over 12 inches of snow, and the roads looked absolutly impossible to drive on. I don't think I would have risked it even if there was school. It was the great topping to a happy Valentines Day [Matty was my valentine <3]. But all I did was sit around and waste my day. Mom wouldn't let me try to get the car out of the drive-way to do anything because she thought I would just make a mess out of it.
...and moving on yet again...Matty and I are hanging out tonight. I can't wait! I love spending time with him. Tuesday night we were talking and I brought up a girl who likes both him AND his best friend. I told him that I would tell her that Craig [his best friend] is taken, and he looked at me sort of shocked and said "Well you can tell her I'm taken too!" I looked at him, clearly puzzled, and asked him what he was talking about. He simply replied with "Well...I am...aren't you?". I just laughed. There was no hiding the absolute joy that I was feeling. He really likes me. It's unbelievable that I have found a man like him! I was beginning to think it would never happen.

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